Guest Lecturer at Melanoma

So I have this mole on my arm. Many Finns have many moles, it's quite common. On a scale of 1 - 10, 1 being moleless and 10 being "HOLY MOLEY!", I'm probably somewhere near a 4, maybe a 5...I guess? Maybe even less, kind of hard to judge, not really paying attention. And, as much as I don't want to admit it, as far as naked bodies are concerned, I probably don't have that large of a sample size.

But one mole in particular has garnered a lot of attention, relative to my other moles. Two people who don't know each other have commented on it suggesting that perhaps I should have it checked out or, at the very least, keep an eye on it. One being a year or two ago and the other being within the past three months.

It's located on my upper left arm just below where the sleeve of a t-shirt would end. Because I spent most of my time living in Southern California this mole in particular has received a disproportionate amount of sun light, being right next to the driver's side window where, due to the lack of reasonable public transportation, it could sit basking in the sun's toxic rays for hours on end while I'm stuck idling in traffic on the 110.

Until the first person said something, I paid it absolutely no attention. Just another small dot on an otherwise stunning example of the human form. But as soon as it was mentioned I spiraled deep into a neurotic hypochondria fueled fit, as is quite normal for me (perhaps I should get that checked out). But after speaking to a different friend well rehearsed in the art of having moles removed who laughed when I asked what she thought, my neurotic shock was replaced with a more manageable anxiety. One that was always there, but was on an equal playing field as my other banal anxieties; thinking I have Celiac's disease, Lou Gehrig's disease, thinking everyone is out to get me and being worried that my boss hates me.

Since then doctors have thwarted my attempts to discuss it on unrelated doctor's check-ups saying we were out of time.

"Just tell me if it looks bad enough to schedule another appointment to have it looked at closer", I would say and then only receive a very rushed, "It looks fine, yeah whatever" and a flutter of a white lab coat as a response. Not really an answer that one can put a lot of confidence in.

Then just a little while ago another person made a comment in passing, so I decided to make an appointment exclusively for this mole. This mole would have a whole 15 minutes to shine in the non-carcinogenic attention of a Doct...excuse me, a nurse.

Now, while I am usually pretty modest, I do speak Finnish fairly well. But when I am dealing with important issues; my health, finances, police, school bureaucracy, I like to use English, just to make sure I fully understand the situation. So I made my appointment in English and I was immediately greeted by the nurse in English when I arrived (must have been on my file). She took a look and said that it looked fine. Then she got a doctor and told the doctor to speak to me in English. The doctor said it looked fine. But they added that, while there is nothing to worry about, it's so small that removing it would be a piece of piss (not their exact words).

Then, right in front of me, they switched to Finnish and began discussing logistics amongst themselves. Here is pretty much a summary of what was said.

Doctor: "Well we could just schedule an appointment, it would be pretty quick"

Nurse:"Can it be done here?"

D:"Yeah, we could do it here"

N:"Would you like to do it?"

D:"Yeah, I haven't done anything like that for a while and it would be nice to do it again, been mostly on the computer these days"

*My eyes widen and I begin listening very intently*

N:"Would you do it in your office?"

D:"Nah, we could but let's use one of the proper rooms upstairs where we have all the equipment, oh and try to make it as early as possible, good to get it out of the way in the morning"

N:"How long does it take?"

D:" About 20 minutes"

I haven't done anything like that for a while!&$^!&$!!!@#!@!#!$! she says. Clearly assumed that I had no idea what was being said.

Not okay to say in front of the patient even if you are speaking Swahili and the patient is deaf.

And don't worry folks, I have been assured that this is merely a "peace of mind" operation (something that someone like me could clearly use). Just a simple 20 minute in-out procedure by an apparently out-of-practice doctor.

Now to overcome my fear of scalpels, needles and cauterizing guns!