Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. My original purpose for being in Finland is coming to an end, and rapidly so. I alluded to it in a recent post by saying that "my school requirements have subsided". I did not merely mean that exam week was over. I mean it's done. The whole kit and caboodle. Finished. Finito. The only thing that stands between me and my degree at this point is a few weeks of bureaucracy. So technically the fat lady hasn't sung yet, but she is backstage in the greenroom gargling water.
I went back and I read my first post and tried to think about how I must have felt when I wrote it, just hours off the plane from LA. Suffering from a mixture of emotional turmoil, physical exhaustion, jet lag, stress, confusion, and inebriation from the beers my host had graciously given me, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Of course on the outside I maintained the visage of my omnipresent neutrality that drives my parents crazy, but on the inside I was in shock. The future was pretty unwritten; I had never seen my campus or where I was going to live and the faces that I now see regularly were still those of strangers. I wrote, "This is day 1 of an indefinite stay in Finland". And I can't help but chuckle at that now. Indefinite? HA! It flew by.
Indefinite, hmmm, that is an interesting word. The last time I recall seeing it used with any significance was when I was in Tokyo's Narita airport. A plane had just crashed and all flights were labeled "Delayed: Indefinitely". But many of the flights left only hours later regardless of the awkwardness of taxiing passed the still smoldering wreckage of that morning's "incident". Depending on the context it can mean that it is unlimited or merely just undefined. Something that is indefinite may only last a few hours, or it could last forever. Back then my stay was indefinite because it wasn't worth defining. But even now my stay remains so, but for different reasons.
I suppose when one is approaching a mountain it is always going to look intimidating when looking up it. But when I hit the crest late last spring and saw the other side for the first time, I already started to panic. "Damn, I gotta figure shit out". Once again the future is unwritten.
My original plan was to come to school here and move back to Southern California upon completion. I am sure many of my friends back home can attest to that. In the months approaching my departure they expressed concern that I would find a Finnish girl and stay here forever, to which I replied, "No, on the off chance I find a girl I'll just bring her back to California with me". I mean what Finnish girl wouldn't want to live in Los Angeles, right? On a side note: ladies I am still single, if you need to confess your love, now is the time.
But now that I am on this side of the experience it really isn't as easy as whistling a tune while I pack. Moving sucks no matter how far it is, and doing so over an ocean doesn't make it any easier. Then there is the fact that I have already moved to and from Finland once before. Now I am two years + deep in possessions and somehow no matter how empty my bags were when I visited LA, they always came back to Helsinki bursting at the seams. Possessions are just possessions, it is really more of a nuisance. But last time I lived here I had tickets back to California leaving pretty much the day after my program ended, something I have considered since then to have been a mistake. Why am I even talking about the travails of moving? I haven't even made up my mind yet!
If you are curious, I have expressed interest in job posts all over the world, not just limited to SoCal and Helsinki.
So the certainty of two years ago has been replaced with indecision. It doesn't help that I am being attacked at all sides with prodding questions about my future, or even worse, when people have already made up their minds for me. "Oh you graduated? I'll visit you in LA!". Of course that is the obvious expectation and not an unwarranted one, but on a philosophical level it is kind of weird and uncomfortable when it is expressed.
On a good day I am optimistic about whatever version of the future I have chosen for the time being, but on a bad day my curtains remain drawn and I sit in the dark trying to rationalize the problem. "I miss my friends, but the political system is screwed, I want a burrito, but I'd have to buy a car, I love Helsinki, but I hate winter, I am much healthier here, but I miss decent food" etc. etc. etc. in an infinite loop. I remain fickle at best. If it was summer year round in Helsinki, there would be no question, I would want to live here. But as my father points out, so would a billion other people.
I am not trying to be an ass with a "you'll have to stay tuned until next week" ratings bump. When it comes down to the question of where I am going to be in January 2012, I really don't know. And let's face it, it's December 1st. I can hear the tick, tick, tick, tick, and I don't even own an analog clock.
In an ideal world, Helsinki would be located two hours by car north of Los Angeles. I would happily trade Santa Barbara any day of the week.
